Shattered Mirror

How do you know you're in love? Because, sometimes, I think I'm in love. In fact, I think I've been in some mild form of love for about 9 months. 

See, there's this guy. I work with him. I first saw him when I was in training (almost exactly 9 months ago), and I was immediately drawn to him. Not like "omg, he's hawt," but like "wow, he has such a kind smile." I know. Strange for me. 

But I never stopped being drawn to him. Every time I saw him, every time I saw that smile, something inside my chest went thudthud. He's... I mean, he's not ugly. No, not at all. But he's is beautiful in a way that most of my friends might not notice. He doesn't even work on the same floor as me, so we only see each other in passing, unless we go to each other's floor, which does happen sometimes. And, a couple of times when it happened, he deliberately sought me out (at least, I think) to sit next to. And... he's so so nice. And his smile. I swear to God, I could live on that smile. When he sits next to me, I'm constantly smiling, and torn between being too nervous to concentrate, and concentrating extra hard so I won't look like an idiot.

I think he knows I like him. I think somehow he's known for a long time. Every time he smiles at me, every single damn time, I smile back, this (goofy) grin that comes hand-in-hand with a bright red blush. I can't help it. I just... I WANT when he's around me. But not even really a lust want. I just. 

I want to touch him. Not sexually, necessarily, I want to hold his hand worse than I want to breathe sometimes.  I want to touch his cheek and see if it's as smooth as it looks. I want to touch his lips, gently, so gently, just to see what they feel like against my skin. And his hair. I want to play with it, run my fingers through it. 

I feel like I'm goona cry. There's this tightness in my chest when I think of him. I want it all so much. But I don't even know if it's possible. He's the only man that's ever made me want to read Philosophy, just because I saw him reading it, and I have no idea if he has a Significant Other. I don't see how he can't. How can anyone not see how wonderful he is? 

Oh, God. this is completely hopeless. 

But tonight. Tonight, I went over to talk to a group of guys (yes, because he was there) before I left work, and... well, he high-fived me, and it was so soft, and it lingered so slightly, and I wanted to hold his hand like nothing else. I actually held my breath for a second. But it didn't happen. But then, when I turned (and I like to think, other than the grin and the blush (what? he was smiling at me) I was completely cool) I said "Bye Fallon!" (Is that not the COOLEST name, btw?)

And he said "Bye Gigi! love you."

I did NOT imagine it. And I wanted, with EVERY part of me, to say it back. And I regret that I just blushed harder, grinned bigger, and didn't say it. 

Oh God. I feel ridiculous. I am not sappy. I just... I'm not. I mean, I have a guy who wants me right now. (this is very much not the normal way of things, believe you me) I have one, and I don't want him. Because, well, for a lot of reasons, but mostly because I think of this guy. A lot. And I keep hoping. Maybe there's a chance? Maybe God will help me out? Maybe, just maybe, I'll get to see what his skin feels like for myself. 

Please God.